And its 6 weeks ago, I’m in a café in Bratislava with you, drowning in hot chocolate whilst the rain pelts down outside, adding to the greyness of the empty city. (I've never been to a capital city that is this lifeless, this abandoned)

Gotan Project plays softly in the background, I shall henceforth forever associate “Queremos Paz” with sin in a cup. We had all but 15 Euros on us, and we spend it all in that little shop.

Fast forward the weeks, the days, the hours,

life in the twenties

it started off innocently enough, i was trying to plan out my Famulatur (Clinical Electives) for the next 2 years....

it quickly became a downward swirl of uncontrolled imagination or rather, unsuppressed craziness. seriously. how does one not despair when confronted with such a plan-
sure, on one hand, whoever stops dreaming has already lost. though i say, keep dreaming then.

today the answer finally became clear as to WHY med students have to study physics:
"Manchen Menschen ist unglücklicherweise nicht klar, dass auch Flüssigkeiten Strom leiten können- Urin als Elektrolyt zum Beispiel. Jedes Jahr gibt es weltweit eine Reihe von Todesfällen, weil meist männliche Mitmenschen nicht daran denken, dass man mit dem Urinstrahl möglichest nicht stromführende Metalle treffen sollte- wie zum Beispiel U-Bahn-Schienen."

Roughly translated as:
it is unfortunately unclear to some people that liquids can also conduct electricity, for example, urine. world-wide, every year, men die because they dont think about the fact that they shouldnt pee on electricity-carrying metals, like the train tracks.

textured

does absence make the heart grow fonder? its been a while. here i am, procrastinating, pretending, sitting, waiting, watching the activities that go on outside of the window all the time munching on cheddar cheese crackers that i dont even like, that taste like last week. i will die if i have to work through the notes littered all over my room one more time. funny how stress murders all motivation, despite and in spite of. i am dissatisfied with the stash of songs i downloaded. it is too restless a day to enjoy anything vaguely of substance.the massive, crippling, consuming weight of inertia. i cant do. i cant deal. i cant write, not knowing what i feel but i cant stop. i am contemplating disappearing.

it has been a good weekend- so much so that the onset of sunday night brings inevitable dread, loneliness, desperation. random snippets of conversation float into mind- it is so much better to have a surname that starts with "m", for fairness's sake. we will marry good. topped with too much good food, and the inability to concentrate on anything that "truly matters". tucking you in both at night and in the mornings- now that i have never done to anyone.

1) your voice on the phone is much better than any summer day;
2) i'll give anything for those 10minutes with you again, under the sky laden with too many shades of grey, the only thing preventing its collapse into sheets of rain-
it is me, holding the sky up with my adoration, my optimism.
3) it is foolish, i know. but i cant help it.
4) i removed all pictures of myself, of us from your phone. you probably will lose that memory, with nothing to remind you.
5) you cant wink to save your life but you practice on me anyway;
6) i am your friend though
7) you are not committed to our friendship